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Broner's Solution

By Ben Thomsett on January 4, 2020


He’s been caught hitting on a 16-year-old girl called “Bhad Bhabie” on Instagram. (Getty)

Each New Year brings uncertainty. Hope, yes, that things might get better, but in time the bastard always shows its true colors. Like an overfriendly guest you’ve brought to bed, hope seemed like a good idea at the time. Until daylight.


O Lord, save us from the predictability of time, and stupidity. Yes. Okay? God hadn’t listened; the stir of a spoon in a coffee cup was all the time it took to change back to the norm. Four days of 2020. That’s all we had. It wasn’t a shock, come to think about it. I read the headline again on the news feed.


Only one current boxer’s name springs out from the garbage heap when I think about dumbness in all its crass and predictable and foul forms: Adrien Broner.


Broner’s rap sheet is long and varied. He’s an expressive and dedicated moron with recent charges of sexual battery. Then, last month, he paid $830,000 to someone he had sexually assaulted in a nightclub. I read his full criminal charges about a year ago and they resembled a ten minute freak-out on GTA V by a six-year-old. He’s like food poisoning, or a fish flapping on a dirty sidewalk. He instills unease and revulsion.


Now, as if his cup didn’t runneth over already, he’s been caught hitting on a 16-year-old girl called—the clues are there for anyone with a functioning frontal cortex—“Bhad Bhabie” (real name Danielle Bregoli) on Instagram.


“text me crazy girl” Broner wrote to her, in a message that instantly conjured up images of his leering face peeping around the school entrance gates. To her credit she hit back at once and her followers insinuated that the FBI might want to look into Broner’s dating techniques.


Adrien slithered off proclaiming that Instagram was at fault for not having an age on user’s profiles, and he wasn’t interested in dating kids. He’d found a solution, but he’ll never truly realize he genuinely is The Problem.

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